14/1/2007 - Haz's Word - 002

Robert Burns once said that “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry”. The old Scottish twat couldn’t be more wrong. This weekend I had plans to do nothing interesting and that’s what happened.

I was rudely awoken on Saturday at 8.30am by my sister because she wanted a lift to work. What was her reason for wanting a lift to somewhere you can walk to in 10 minutes? She had new shoes. What the fuck. I calmly told her that shoes are made for walking and that she could fuck off. I went back to sleep.

When I got back in at 9am having dropped my sister off at work, I went back to sleep. This was the same time that my ginger neighbour decided to play smoke on the water over and over again. I rang him up to tell him to stop playing but he laughed, he wasn’t laughing when his fender crapocaster was lodged in his throat. Prick.

In the evening I went to a quiz night at the local branch of the Haz Fan Club, or local tennis club whatever. I was on a team with a right bunch of retards who thought that it was Columbus who discovered America. It was only after I tasered them a few times that they wrote the correct answer, which is of course Haz.

On Sunday I set my alarm to wake up at 9am so I could do some revision and have a few wanks. So naturally I drifted awake at 2pm. My awesomeness was needed at my other house in Manchester so I made my way there via Tesco. It took nearly 10 minutes to buy my 10 litres of pepsi due to the stupid old bint in front of me who couldn’t work out how to scan things on the self-service tills. I demonstrated using her head however the attendant said I was doing it wrong. So I headbutted him using the bint’s head. I love shopping.

On my way back I was forced to overtake some old cunt in a shitty car doing 55mph in a 30mph limit. These slow bastards piss me off. I just rammed him off the road. I rule.

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